From the Introduction

This book walks readers through the flow of IFIO descriptively and experientially, weaving interpersonal communication techniques with deep intrapsychic exploration. It guides therapists and couples to intervene effectively in patterns of conflict, move from protective power struggles to vulnerable conversations without attack or silence, and use an essential IFS technique called unblending to understand themselves and others.

In the first section, we introduce the conceptual underpinnings of IFIO, including the idea that we all have motivated, active subpersonalities (or parts), who influence our views and behavior, and two easily accessible, crucial skills: (1) differentiating (or unblending) from parts in order to be in relationship with them and (2) attending internally (or doing a U-turn) in order to help parts in moments of reactivity. Additionally, we describe how patterns of autonomic reactivity underlie the compulsive behaviors at the core of a couple’s relational dynamics.

In the second section, we provide step-by-step techniques, case examples, and exercises for use with clients in each phase of IFIO treatment. Phase one: We connect with the couple, assesses their relational dynamics, introduce them to IFIO, and start befriending their protective parts. Phase two: We track patterns of conflict and help partners unblend so they can speak for parts and listen from the heart. We aim for the couple to appreciate the inevitability (and acceptability) of differences so they can differentiate from each other comfortably, stay connected, and practice talking in ways that haven’t been possible for a long time, if ever. Phase three: We help them explore the meaning of apology and forgiveness, give them the opportunity to engage in both, and set the stage for them to support each other in healing emotional wounds that predate their relationship.

The third section explains how patterns of autonomic reactivity underlie the compulsive behaviors at the core of a couple’s relational dynamics and illustrates how to discuss these phenomena with couples.

Finally, the book’s fourth section describes some common challenges for couple therapists, while the fifth section provides additional experiential exercises so partners can rescript and repair conflictual interactions.

Therapists Have Parts: What’s Hard in Therapy is What’s Hard for You 

Just like clients, we therapists have parts and burdens that can interfere with therapy. Countertransference is an inevitable feature of all relationships. If we are oblivious about our parts and ignore their needs, we make it a problem. But we can make it an opportunity. Judgmental or fearful parts who pop up mark a spot where calm, curious inquiry will produce important knowledge about our parts’ needs. Couples are never objectively “easy” or “difficult.” For example, our dread of the next session with a withdrawn, uncommunicative couple is a prompt to find and unburden our own exiles.

Regardless of the couple’s presenting issue, and even when therapists feel reactive in response to a client, the IFIO protocol remains the same. This is also true of IFS, which is why therapists have used the IFS approach successfully with all kinds of populations across a wide variety of settings. When it comes to our personal experiences, we all inhabit specific, narrow perspectives. We also unconsciously generalize from our personal experiences, sometimes more accurately than other times. This is why the therapist’s job in both IFIO and IFS is to maintain a continual U-turn stance, a kind of flowing assessment of our own level of blending and access to the Self’s broad views. One of the hallmarks of the Self is having the ability to encompass multiple perspectives at once. When we do a U-turn and unblend (with the help of supervision, if necessary), we notice our responses to clients and we are more available to them.